Harry Potter THE MUSICAL
by Kira Ashkelon
Summary: Exactly what the title says. Lyrics slightly altered to fit story... sometimes.
1. The Boy Who Lived

**Harry Potter**  
**THe Musical**  
  


Stage: A dark residential area, only one streetlamp on, shining directly down onto Hagrid.  
  
Opening Number:  
**The Boy Who Lived  
**(Nature Boy, by David Bowie, from Moulin Rouge)  
  
Hagrid:  
(whispers)  
This story is about... love...  
  
(sings)  
There was a boy...  
A very strange, enchanted boy...  
I flew him here from very faaaaaar!  
Very faaaaar!  
Over land and sea.  
  
A little guy,  
And green of eye,  
But did he cry?  
Not he.  
  
And on this day,  
This magic day we flew away,  
And while we still fear many thiiiings,  
Without wiiiiiiings,  
This we know at least:  
  
The greatest thing--of tonight's tale--is that Harry,  
Is still the--boy who lived.  
  
(Applause! Applause!)  
  
Draco: (backstage) Yeah, yeah, big deal. They act like living's such a great accomplishment. I think I'm pulling it off rather well myself, thank you very much.


	2. Dudley's Lament

Harry Potter  
THe Musical  
  


Act I, Scene 2  
  
Stage: In the Dursley home on Dudley's birthday.  
  
**Dudley's Lament  
**(I Want it Now, lyrics (?), from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)  
  
Dudley:  
_Pounds heavily down the stairs and sees that he has 36 gifts and not 37, and of course throws a huge fit and tells his parents all the wonderful things he wants._  
  
(shouting more than singing)  
I want a feast,  
I want a bean feast!  
Cream buns and donuts  
And fruitcake with no nuts!  
So good you could go nuts!  
  
I want a ball!  
I want a party!  
Pink macaroons  
And a million balloons  
And performing baboons and--  
Give it to me  
NOW!  
  
I want the world!  
I want the whole world!  
I want to lock it  
All up in my pocket!  
It's my bar of chocolate!  
Give it to me  
NOW!  
  
I want today!  
I want tomorrow!  
I want to wear em  
Show off here to there  
And I don't want to share em!  
  
I want a party with roomfuls of laughter,  
Ten thousand tons of ice cream!  
And if I don't get the things I am after,  
I'm going to ScReAm!!!  
  
I want the works!  
I want the whole works!  
Presents and prizes  
And sweets and surprises  
Of all shapes and sizes  
AND NOW!!!  
  
Don't care how!  
I want it NOW!!!  
Don't care how!  
I WANT IT  
**_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!_**  
  
  
(Applause...mixed with some booing...okay, a lot of booing)  
  
Draco: (backstage) Muggles! How annoying can you be? Greedy little buggers....  
  
((Lyrics remained mostly unaltered (except for one line about wearing braids in the hair since the character who sings this in WW&tCF was a girl) because they fit Dudley too perfectly, don't you agree?))  



	3. Harry's Wish

Harry Potter  
The Musical  
  


Act I, Scene 3  
  
Stage: In Harry's cupboard.  
  
**Harry's Wish  
**(One Day I'll Fly Away, by Will Jennings and Joe Sample, from Moulin Rouge)  
  
Harry:  
_Is thrown into the cupboard after already causing the snake's glass to disappear and for getting strange letters. Sits down and stares at the little air vent longingly, singing softly._  
  
I-- follow-- the owls.--  
What's with-- the owls?--  
Why-- can't I-- receive--  
The notes-- they bring?--  
  
One day I'll fly away.  
Leave all this to yesterday.  
What do those letters hold for me?  
Why can't they give them to me?  
Why not grant me just one dream,  
Instead of making each dream end?  
  
Hagrid: (randomly from nowhere)  
How wonderrrrful life is  
Now you'rrrrrrrre in the worrrrrrrrrld!  
  
Harry:  
One day I'll fly away.  
Leave all this to yesterday.  
What do those letters hold for me?  
Why can't they give them to me?  
Why not grant me just one dream,  
Instead of making each dream end?  
  
(Applause! Applause!)  
  
_Lights go down and Harry goes off stage._  
  
Draco: (to Harry) You know, I think Hagrid has a thing for you.  
  
Harry: You sick twisted little boy...  
  
Draco: Heh heh heh...  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join!))


	4. Yer Cake

Harry Potter  
The Musical  
  


Act I, Scene 4  
  
Stage: On the island thing after Mr. Dursley drags them far away from home to escape the owls, dark stormy night  
  
**Yer Cake  
**(Your Song, by Elton John & Bernie Taupin, from Moulin Rouge)  
  
Hagrid:  
_Is listening with increasing rage as the two Muggle parental Dursleys shout about how Harry's not going to Hogwarts while Dudley cries in the corner and Harry blinks silently at his cake not believing what he's hearing_  
  
(suddenly shouts over everyone else--singing to Harry)  
Myyyy gift is my cake!  
And this one's fer you.  
  
And you can tell everybody  
That this is yer cake.  
It may be just a bit smushed,  
But it's still baked.  
But all that aside,  
Ignore Muggle pride,  
As to you I say----  
Oh, dear Harry Potter,  
Happy Birthdaaaaay!  
  
Flew over here  
Not just for the cake.  
I've got some news for you  
On your eleventh birthday.  
To the school Hogwarts,  
You are gonna come.  
And if they say differn't, Harry,  
Then they are just dumb.  
  
So excuse the surprise,  
But this must be done.  
Every letter's been sent  
An' yer the last one!  
You're comin' with me,  
An' it'll be fun.  
You'll learn magic cause,  
You're a wizard, Harryyyyy!  
  
_Chorus of Owls:  
_An' you can tell everybody  
That you're a wizard.  
It sounds a bit crazy but  
That is the word.  
  
_Hagrid:_  
An' you can tell everybody  
That yer a wizard.  
It sounds a bit crazy but  
That is the word.  
Just you wait and see,  
I know you will be  
So happy to see  
How wonderful life is  
In the wizarding worrrrrrld...  
  
But all that aside,  
Ignore Muggle pride,  
As to you I say----  
Oh, dear Harry Potter,  
Happy Birthdaaaaay!  
  
(Applause! Applause!)  
  
_Lights go down as Hagrid flies off with Harry... offstage... into the dark...  
_  
Draco: (to Harry) What did I tell you?! Hagrid wants you!  
  
Harry: Alright! I admit that was a little awkward... (munches on cake) Mmm, this is good...  
  
Draco: Really...?  
  
Harry: Incredible.  
  
Draco: You wouldn't share the wealth now, would you?  
  
Harry: Share? Draco, you really should be careful about using words that aren't in your vocabulary. Some day you might accidentally say something you don't mean.  
  
Draco: I want cake NOW!  
  
Harry: No. It's my birthday.  
  
Draco: (glares) Just wait, I'll get you... This show isn't over.  
  
((Yes, I do realize that 3 of these 4 songs came from Moulin Rouge, what can I say? I'm obsessed! And I got a cute Moulin Rouge purse today and it made me happy!))  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join!))


	5. Big Spender

Harry Potter  
The Musical  
  


Act II, Scene 1  
  
Stage: Harry walks into the robe shop to get fitted for his Hogwarts robe and sees Draco there.  
  
**Big Spender  
**(Big Spender, by Coleman and Fields, from Sweet Charity)  
  
Draco: (also getting fitted for a robe, sees Harry and grins) So you're the famous Harry Potter!  
  
Harry: Well... I am Harry Potter, yes...  
  
Draco: Getting ready for Hogwarts, right? I do hope I end up in Slytherin... though I guess I'll live as long as I don't end up in _Hufflepuff_... Ick...  
  
Harry: Um... sure...  
  
Draco: Maybe I'll even let you be my friend at school, wouldn't you like that, Potter? And I don't say that to just _anyone_...  
  
Harry: What _are_ you talking about?  
  
Draco:  
(sings)  
  
The minute you walked through the door  
I could tell were a guy of distinction,  
A real big spender,  
Rich looking, quite refined.  
Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?  
  
So let me get right to the point,  
I don't shake the hand of every guy I see.  
Hey! Big Spender,  
Spend a little time with me!  
  
(Applause! Applause! Especially from slash fans!)  
  
Harry: (stares blankly at him as crickets chirp in the background) Wow, right, um, I really should get going. Goodbye now!  
  
_Both go off stage as lights fade_  
  
Harry: That was... rather awkward.  
  
Draco: (grins evilly) You know you liked it Potter. Heh heh heh...  
  
Harry: (runs away)  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join!))


	6. I'm On My Way

Harry Potter  
The Musical  
  


Act II, Scene 2  
  
Stage: Harry and Ron are sitting in the Hogwarts Express on their way to... well... Hogwarts.  
  
**I'm On My Way  
**(I'm On My Way, by The Proclaimers, from Shrek)  
  
Ron: (munching on some Bertie Botts) Thanks a lot for all the candy, Harry, we've got so much candy it's like a party! Not that we have anything to celebrate, I mean, really, it's just school...  
  
Harry: That is something to celebrate for me. You have no idea what it was like with the Dursleys, it was _horrible_!  
  
(sings)  
I'm on my way from misery to happiness today!  
Uh-huh.  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh  
  
Harry:  
Uh-huh  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh  
  
Harry:  
I'm on my way from misery to happiness today!  
Uh-huh.  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh  
  
Harry:  
Uh-huh  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh  
  
Harry:  
I'm on my way into the wizarding world,  
And years from now I'll be livin' in that world,  
And everything that I'll receive up yonder  
Will make me so glad that I have wandered.  
  
I took a right,   
  
Both:  
I took a right turning yesterday!  
  
Harry:  
Uh-huh.  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh.  
  
Harry:  
Uh-huh.  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh.  
  
Both:  
I took a right, I took a right turning yesterdaaaaay-ay-ay-ay-ay!  
I took the road that brought me to the station,  
I'll take the train to halls that I can walk down,  
I'll walk the halls and get hopelessly lost there,  
And climb the stairs that will lead to who-knows-where!  
  
And now that I am finally gone  
I will stand up and sing:  
I'm sitting on top of the world!"  
  
Harry:  
I'll do my best,   
  
Both:  
I'll do my best to do the best I can  
  
Harry:  
Uh-huh  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh  
  
Harry:  
Uh-huh  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh  
  
Both:  
I'll do my best, I'll do my best to do the best I caaa-ha-ha-han!  
To keep my feet from jumping from the ground here,  
To keep my heart from jumping through my mouth here,  
To leave the past, for best is in the present,  
To try and learn when I am taught a lesson.  
  
And now that I am finally gone  
I will stand up and sing:  
I'm sitting on top of the world!"  
  
We're on our way from misery to happiness today!  
  
Harry:  
Uh-huh  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh  
  
Harry:  
Uh-huh  
  
Ron:  
Uh-huh  
  
Both:  
We're on our way from misery to happiness todaay-ay-ay-ay-ay!  
  
We're on our way into the wizarding world,  
And years from now we'll be livin' in that world,  
And everything that we'll receive up yonder  
Will make us so glad that we have wandered.  
  
We're on our way into the wizarding world,  
And years from now we'll be livin' in that world,  
And everything that we'll receive up yonder  
Will make us so glad that we have wandered.  
  
I'm on my wa-ay-ay!  
I'm on my wa-ay-ay!  
I'm on my wa-ay-ay!  
I'm on my wa-  
  
Hermione: (bursts through the doors) Do you two mind?! Some of us are trying to study!!  
  
Ron: (exchanges a mischievous glance with Harry) (sings)  
I'm on my wa-ay-ay!  
  
Hermione:  
What was that?  
  
Harry:  
I'm on my wa-ay-ay!  
  
Hermione: Stop it!  
  
Both:  
I'm on my wa-ay-ay!  
  
(Applause! Applause!)  
  
Draco: You know, Potter, that was bad enough by itself that I don't even need to comment on it to make it any worse.  
  
Harry: Just... shut up, Malfoy. You're driving me crazy. You're just jealous because this musical isn't called _Draco Malfoy and the Sorcerer's Stone_.  
  
Draco: (smirks as Harry walks away) I wouldn't say that. (runs off with a box of doctored playbills)  
  
((If you would like to be notified when I update this fic or any of my other fics, please email me at kira@misery.net with your email address, or leave it in the review and specify that you would like to join my NotifyList. Please please join!))


End file.
